PTSD: Confession as Spiritual Growth
by Chaplain Scott Jimenez
I work with Veterans who have substance abuse problems. One thing that may help them in recovery is to work through the Twelve Steps of the Alcohol Anonymous (AA) program, designed for
alcoholics. (There is also a Narcotics Anonymous (NA) program for drug abusers.) One of the first steps is a form of confession: to admit they have a problem and that they are powerless to change that. Only when they admit this to themselves are they able to move forward. Confession also involves admitting to someone else and to God.
Often, I find that Veterans abuse drugs or alcohol to help them deal with something that lies behind by trying to not remember or forget, at least temporarily. What is it that lies behind? It is something so traumatic that the memories become intrusive. Often this boils down to things that they have seen, things that they have done, or things that they have failed to do. A confession here is usually focused on a past event or series of events.
Confession, then, may have two parts: 1) “I have this,” and 2) “I did this” (or “I failed to do this”). A problem may arise if the event is something they do not want to confess. Denial is a barrier to recovery. Sometimes this denial is self-protective. By not admitting to it, the problem seems to be not as severe. Another reason for denial is to protect loved ones. By not telling them, the goal is often to protect them from the grittiness and brutality of war-related events. However, in not confessing, they deny the reality of their pain. The result of denial is often either isolation or insulation.
Isolation is removing oneself from the influence of, and contact with, others. Those that isolate may draw into themselves, and family members know this firsthand. In trying to protect family members, isolation often drives them away. A definition of insanity often attributed to Albert Einstein states that insanity means, “doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.” When one has tried to “fix” oneself and failed, repeating the same process again won’t change anything. Hence, the result of isolation is that one is further removed from assistance and sometimes even from reality.
Insulation, conversely, refers to surrounding oneself with those that have similar experiences. While this is beneficial so that one does not feel alone, surrounding oneself with only those with similar experiences is like breathing your own exhalation. Eventually, you will need some fresh air, or you will pass out. While we all need a safe place and a ready ear to share our pain, the purpose is to be in society, not apart from it. We all need fresh air.
Confession needs to be done in a safe place, first to oneself, then to God, then to others. If there is a recovery group based on the trauma (e.g., combat), then the group may be small. As confidence and trust grow, confession grows easier, pain is shared and thereby lessened, and the affirmation of the group takes hold. Sometimes, recovery involves sharing with a larger group, involving some who are outside the group.
Veterans, especially combat Veterans, may mourn the loss of their identity. Their old view of normality, and their place in that normality, has changed, never to be recovered. They may say, “I am not who I was.” In reality, who is? We all change. Most of us adapt. For some, the struggle is in answering the question, “Who am I now?” Another way of phrasing this is, “What is the new normal?” PTSD is often as much a search for identity and normality as it is an anxiety issue.
The Bible holds an answer. The question may go from, “Who am I now?” to, “Who am I to become?” This search for identity is really a search for God, a search for a transforming faith, a leaving behind the old and finding the new.
Now, I have a confession to make. When I came back from war, I found that I had an identity crisis: I was no longer who I thought I was. This is what I found helped me. In Acts 17, beginning with verse 16, Paul is speaking to the philosophers at Athens. He recognizes that they are religious people, even going so far as to create a shrine to the unknown God. He then proceeds to tell them about this unknown God, telling them that he knows, personally knows, this unknown God! Paul announces in verse 28a, “For in Him we live and move and have our being.” Think on this: God is our center, our reason for being; apart from Him we have no identity. The key to getting better and becoming whole again was in recognizing this fact: who I am is integrated into Whose I am. My will is sublimated to His will.
Do you think it is possible that pastors can suffer from PTSD by serving a “clergy killer” church? If so how does one move on from that situation?
Daniel E. Ramsey
Class of 95