Editorial: Beware the Wife-Hunters!
It was my first day on campus. I got to move in early because I had a mission trip to Brazil right before the semester started. A friend from undergrad who started a year ahead of me very kindly showed me around. She let me in on a stereotypical ATS adage right away: “The odds are good, but the goods are odd.” This soon became a joke with the people on the mission trip. “Oh, this new school I’m going to – they say ‘the odds are good, but the goods are odd’ – it should be interesting!”
I was grateful to know in advance. Asbury has been my first experience of a male-dominated student body. I also happen to be in the M.Div. program, which is statistically more dude-heavy.
In spite of this, I didn’t suspect I’d be in danger of falling victim to wife-hunting. On the one hand, I’ve never dated before. I see no sense in spending mental and emotional energy on a relationship that I can’t see working out long-term. On the other hand, I’m freakishly tall and would rather play sports with my guy friends than do typical “girl stuff.” Alas, I have not been utterly protected, and the only advances I’ve experienced have been really weird.
Something you learn pretty quickly as a young gal in youth group is that some of the guys are very clearly “brothers in Christ” and nothing more. This spidey-sense has been useful ever since my teenage years. Unfortunately, this is not a universal intuition.
My first year of seminary, I was safe. However, in each of the two ensuing years, two different guys made it clear they were interested without actually making it clear. They just sort of… hung around. If I was trying to catch a peaceful moment, somehow, they’d be there. One guy would always walk back to the dorms with me after volleyball. That was fine until I realized he didn’t live in the dorm next to mine – he lived on the other side of campus! The other guy randomly started to make conversation both online and in person. It was strange: we were barely acquaintances, much less friends.
I just want to know: why? What is it about church culture that forms men who tiptoe around their feelings without putting language to them? Why can’t I peacefully do my homework without worrying that a guy that sort of creeps me out might be watching? Why are women going into ministry more willing to live out a single life than their male counterparts? I’m not anti-marriage. However, I am saying we should keep wife-hunting to a minimum. Instead, we need to encourage these future ministers – male or female – to prioritize their allegiance to Jesus above all else. May we be committed to Jesus Christ first and foremost this Valentine’s Day.
This article is by Julia Hotchkiss, Alumni Office Student Worker.
Love this, and yes it can be an experience.
Always marry your best friend, whether you meet them before, during, or after Asbury. And to everyone, being friends is always a good place to be, and the great ones, present and future, are at Asbury.
That’s sad, because I would have loved to have found a Godly man who understood my calling while I was in Seminary. But I can see why God kept me single. No way would a husband allowed me to invite 5 Venezuelan Refugees to come in and share life with me in my 1200 square foot home.
Very interesting article. I guess things have changed at Asbury. I was there from 1990 – 1993 and I met my wife (she was a seminary student at well) at Asbury. We were married in Lexington, KY on 12.25.1993. Meeting her was the greatest blessing I received from attending and graduating from Asbury Theological.
It is a shame that so many “brothers in Christ” do not know how to form healthy friendships with our “sisters” Christian language aside, Thank you Julia for speaking out and stating what so many other women on campus are experiencing!
Whenever I first got accepted to Asbury, I had a male friend of mine give me advice about this. He was half joking, half serious about how some well-intending guys feel like they need to get married before they graduate. I’ve still ended up in a serious relationship during my Asbury time, but I can safely say it’s with my best friend and not a wife-hunter!
I attended Asbury from 1989 to 1992. I can tell you that there were plenty of husband hunters as well. I was a student Pastor and during the week I stayed in the dorms. I got to hear all about the single guys trying to avoid certain over eager young ladies who were doggedly seeking a husband…any husband would do. If you were breathing and had a dollar in your jeans you were hot property. One young lady specifically wanted to marry a missionary. Why? Because growing up she saw many missionary families come to her home church (for fund raising) and their children were always so polite and well behaved and that’s what she wanted. I’m not a missionary and our 3 children were always very polite and well behaved until they got home and then their real personalities came out. I wish her well.
This 1000 times. Walking on campus as a single woman was… an experience. There is an unspoken notion that men are less hireable into ministry positions if they are single, and therefore obtaining a wife is seen as just as important as obtaining their degree. Most of the women I know, myself included, were hit with the “God told me we were meant to be married” more than once during our years there. None of us are currently married to the men we heard that from. Men, if you are reading this, please don’t ever say that to someone you want to date, it’s manipulative. Just relax and trust that it’ll happen when it happens. Leaving unmarried doesn’t mean God has less of a plan for your life.