Dying Moments
by Chaplain Scott Jimenez, (1997, MDiv), BCC, Staff Chaplain (125), West Texas Veterans Health Care System
As a hospital chaplain, it seems to me death makes many people uncomfortable. Sometimes people ask me, “What do I say?” Here are some thoughts:
What to say. Often, we want to express our caring concern with words. Sometimes it is okay to reflect on your own feelings and express them. For example, “When I hear that diagnosis, it sounds scary. Does it affect you the same way?” This gives the hearer the opportunity (and the power) to accept, reject, or modify the statement.
What not to say. If words just fill the air, then they do not touch the heart. If we open our mouths just to break the uncomfortable silence, is what we say what needs to be said? Conversely, words spoken randomly can hurt. I have heard that someone said to a young mother whose baby had just died, “Oh, you’re young. You can have another.” Well, perhaps that may be true, but neither the words nor the concept can restore the promise unfulfilled of a life not lived, nor truly replace the life just lost, nor repair the pain when it feels like your heart has been torn from your chest. In other words, they do not help at that particular moment. Truth be told, they do not help at all. If words fail us when these opportunities arise, consider the eloquence of silence, the communion of tears, and the power of touch.
The Eloquence of Silence. In the Bible, we find the Book of Job. There is a passage where Job’s friends come by to visit him. In Job 2:13 we find, “Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. And no one said a word, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words.” For seven days they say nothing. For seven days they share his grief. For seven days they do the right thing. On the eighth day they open their mouths—and ruin the moment. When words do not suffice, a shared silence speaks volumes eloquently.
The Communion of Tears. Let me quote the eminent philosopher Spock from Star Trek. When Spock found his friends were hurting, he said, “I grieve with thee.” Notice the preposition: not for, but with. Compassion is “with passion”, a shared pain. Sometimes when words do not come, tears may. Tears come from the heart and speak to the heart, often clearer than words. It is a communion, a meeting of hearts.
The Power of Touch. Are we afraid of touch? Yes, it can be misused. But when expressed appropriately, a touch can be powerful. A squeeze of the hand or shoulder, a side hug, or a pat on the back can be a warm expression of humanity. Aren’t there times when we all need a simple touch?
This is just a sample of common sense ways to express care and concern for both the dying and the living.
Your’s is a closed question. May I suggest, “How do you feel about hearing that diagnosis?” or, “What does hearing that mean to you?” How about just, “That sounds scary.”